Youth Plastic Surgery: God Doesn't Always Give With Both Hands

According to most Americans, the jury is still out on whether or not God made you gay. United States citizens know one thing for sure, though, and it's that God made Miss Pre-Teen Princess's nose too big, which is why He invented rhinoplasty. Cosmetic surgery for children, you say? There's gotta be some kind of regulation on that, right? I think you already know the answer . . .

Although youth pageants are terrifying enough, the lengths parents go to win those disproportionately large trophies are almost too much to handle. Everyone knows that a child's leg hair is an unnatural and inconvenient distraction. That's why all good pageant-moms shave their kid's bodies-- so the fake tan sprays on evenly! People used to think gap-toothed tykes were adorable. That was until they heard about miniature child dentures that cover those baby-toothless grins. Eye-lash and hair extensions are a good foundation, but what about massive structural overhaul? Liposuction, cosmetic facial augmentation; there is no official age requirement for these major elective operations. As long as Mom signs the paperwork, Junior is one chin implant away from being a winner.

So start applying your make-up. God may have made you gay, but at least He made you pretty.