Monday, December 14, 2009

Space Garbage: The Final Frontier

Clearly, Americans love to ruin things for others. That's why they repeatedly vote to deny gays the right to marry. This is nothing new. For decades, the human race has been unsatisfied with just ruining our own planet - we're bigger than that. Now, we pollute space.

F Your I: There are no federal restrictions on dumping garbage into outer space. You might be saying to yourself, "Yeah, that's because they don't need to restrict something that doesn't happen!" Well, Self, you're wrong, again. Since the first manned space flight in 1961, humans have been leaving behind incredible amounts of space-waste. Approximately 4 million pounds of garbage is currently zooming around the globe at an astonishing 17,500 miles per hour. Most of the slag is debris kicked off from dozens of shuttle launches, or the carcasses of forgotten satellites. Also, there are literally thousands of sacks of trash in space, bagged and booted out the door of Mir, like some bad, futuristic Glad commercial.

Isn't space travel difficult enough? Why should shuttle pilots have to navigate a mine-field of satellite parts once they reach the final frontier? I mean, it's not exactly the Route 270 spur at rush hour up there, but Neil Armstrong didn't journey 200,000 miles to parallel park!

And don't start in on me by saying that space travel is the gayest kind of travel. If gays ever get launched into the atmosphere for an interstellar nuptial, you can bet we will bring our garbage back down to Earth.

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