Monday, February 22, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
For generations psychologists believed that homosexuality was a treatable, medical condition. Just flip an electrified switch or pop a pill and presto-change-o, you're straight! Think of the crazy side effects a magic straight pill might provide. After taking the pill do you wake up surrounded by half-eaten cheeseburgers, power tools, and the remnants from an obvious late-night run to the casino? What's that you say? Those are actual side effects brought on by existing FDA regulated pharmaceuticals?! Of course they are.
Today, when Americans seek pharmaceutical help to quit smoking, lower their cholesterol, cure their tingling legs, or lengthen their eyelashes (?!) they have a boat-load of side effects with which to deal. Some are mild and common, like slight nausea or drowsiness. But what about Chantix, the drug that eases nicotine addiction? Apparently, it also produces hallucinations and night terrors! Alli, the weight loss drug, forces its users to bring an extra set of pants wherever they go, because it's a lock that you are going to crap yourself. Other drugs hold the promise of amnesia, sensory taste loss, rainbow urination, compulsive gambling, intense sexual urges, suspicion of others, suicidal thoughts, and death. Is your restless leg syndrome worth death? The FDA must think so. . .
What is the threshold for the severity of these side effects? Sure, the consumer has some responsibility, but what will it take for the FDA to properly test and regulate the drugs they release to the market? In the mean time --since we can't get gay married-- anyone want to experiment with that colorful pee thing?
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
With the recent rulings against marriage equality, it could be time to hit the road and do some soul searching. Hop on that Harley and make for the hills. Don't you love how the wind feels as it whips through your long, salt-and-pepper mullet? Do you love that more or less than a face full of gravel? Well, with the relaxed helmet laws in 25 states you can have your cake and eat it, too.
When ripping along at 75 miles per hour it seems like a good idea to put something between your soft skull and the hard pavement. However, Iowa, Illinois, and New Hampshire have no laws concerning the use of a helmet or protective gear while operating a motocycle, moped, or bicycle. Twenty-two other states have suggested regulations, but only for citizens under the age of 18. Which makes perfect sense, given the thickening of the skull that occurs during the formidable high school years.
Do you think helmet-related motorcycle accidents occur everyday? Of course they do, silly! So, you've got to wonder what the 25 states in our union without helmet laws are playing at. Perhaps the most curious is the commonwealth of Pennsylvania, where helmet laws were actually reversed following the near-fatal bike accident of their beloved, fugly hero, Ben Rothlesaklsjgnaald-name-guy. It's almost like they learned nothing from his head-first collision with the Earth.
So, if you're ever feeling constricted by the laws trying to box you into a hetero-sexist union, just recreate your favorite Road Warrior scene on the back of the biggest, loudest hog you can find. But if you're planning on getting on behind Mel Gibson, make sure that's not short for Melanie, because gay marriage still isn't legal.