Did your plans to marry in the state of Maine fall through last week when voters decided to make gay marriage illegal? Fear not, my friends, for your salvation lays in something just as fulfilling: Chimp ownership. It is perfectly legal and promises the life-long love and companionship you have been denied.
If you aren't sure how to go about acquiring a chimp, there are a few regulations and petitions you should know about. While you may have to apply for a permit to own a pet monkey in the states of Delaware, Idaho, Michigan, Oklahoma, South Dakota and Oregon, thirteen other states have no requirements whatsoever! Just march into your local Pet Monkey's-R-Us and you've got it made.
I don't want to misinform you; there are some places where chimp ownership is illegal. Seventeen states have outright bans on those sweet little primate companions, which is almost as upsetting as the outright bans on gay marriage in 45 states.
Now you're saying to yourself, "Wow! Chimp ownership sounds like it's for me!" That's great. Think of all of fun times you and your pet monkey have in store. Think of the laughter, the cuddling, the matching. Monkey's also make great children, which would work out perfectly for gay couples who are banned from adopting in many states. Just don't get too close to your monkey-baby.