Before Gay Marriage: A Family Tree Edition

Written by guest-contributor, gang member, and Ani DiFranco expert-in-residence, Ms. B.K. Cardigan.

There is a danger looming over us all. It is a movement powered by an all encompassing agenda, bent on the destruction of our entire way of life. It is the movement.... for cousin marriage. Across our great nation, people are "coming out" of the family closet and declaring their eternal, romantic love for their first cousins. They are demanding the right to marry, the right to access this sacred institution we as good Americans cherish. But they won't stop at marrying each other. Soon, they'll be teaching the concept of "kissing cousins" in schools. And once they've reached a critical mass, the door will open to other attacks on marriage. Before we know it, people will be marrying their siblings, uncles, and grandmas. That's only a hop, skip, and jump away from people marrying their dogs. Their dogs will want to marry their cats, and --

Oh, wait, cousin marriage is legal in 26 states. That's right, all you have to do is reside in any one of more than half of our United States and you are legally permitted to marry your first cousin. What unwholesome, backwards states they must be! We are talking about places like Connecticut, New Mexico, and Florida. Is nothing sacred? Clearly, the answer is no.

But has any of this led to an apocalypse? Also a clear answer. Protecting the freedom of people to marry those they fall in love with doesn't actually have a measurable effect on anyone-- other than for the people involved. I wish someone would tell California, Maine and New Jersey that. I guess they're too busy marrying their cousins to listen.