Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Tanned Hides: Bronze is the New Dead

The Twilight Saga seemed to signal the death of "tan." With Robert Pattinson's paper-white vampire skin making all the tweens swoon, pale and transparent was the new vogue. (For the record, B4GayMarriage does not wish to register an opinion in the Team Edward/Team Jacob debate. We prefer Harry.) All we can say is, thank jeebus for MTV's Jersey Shore. Snooki and the gang have made bronze (and boozey) glamorous again. Tan is back on top! Unless you count the fact that recent studies have shown tanning beds to be as deadly as arsenic or mustard gas.

Who would have guessed? Lying eye-balls down in a public coffin of ultra-violet light is not just unsanitary, it makes you 75% more likely to get cancer. Twenty different tests have all demonstrated conclusively that the radiation used in tanning beds is carcinogenic, and therefore lethal. You might be wondering, why didn't we do these tests before providing tanning bed technology to the market? Are our government's health regulations so relaxed that they can release potentially dangerous materials to consumers without taking the proper precautions? Absolutely.

It's not like they could have known about the long-term effects of direct ultra-violet radiation for the millions of people that use tanning beds every year. If only there was some way of knowing. Like, comparing the impact of other radiations on the human body and seeing if they had any negative outcomes. Hmm, maybe the sun's radiation seemed too obvious. . . Anyway, that didn't stop the Food and Drug Administration from giving the thumbs up to tanning companies across the nation. After all, they aren't responsible for regulating the research that-- oh, crap. Yes they are.

This is America after all, and if you're not free to tan, you're not free to do anything. Well, there are some things you aren't free to do. . . like marry your same-sex partner. That seems to be out of the question.

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