Pill Mills Be Popping!

In what way is gay marriage connected to the rise of prescription drug-related deaths? Turns out they're not connected at all. Huzzah! Except that the motivations and liberties of drug addicts are better protected than those of gay citizens.

While most of the nation is busy regulating who loves who and to what end, twelve states have neglected to monitor their distribution of prescription drugs. Their lack of regulation has resulted in vast hot beds of narcotic activity across the country. "Pill Mills" are popping up all over America, and they are rarely owned or operated by actual physicians or pharmacists. Interested? All you have to do is: Step 1. Find an abandoned phone booth, shack or other sketchy front. Step 2. Obtain a pain clinic license (don't worry, no medical experience is needed and no background checks are required). Step 3. Start selling insane amounts of oxycodone to your "patients," who have no official malady. Step 4. Open a Swiss bank account for the cash money you will be raking in. Just F Your I, that's hundreds of thousands of dollars a week.

Florida happens to be the biggest distributor of oxycodone, prescribing (read: selling) far more than any other state. For those that aren't up on their narcotics lingo, oxycodone is a form of synthesized opium that is continuously linked to overdose-related deaths. Of the top 50 doctors who dispense the most oxycodone annually, 100% of them live in Florida. Unfortunately, due to the famously disorganized nature of the dispensing program, there's no way to tell how much is sold and to whom. If only there was a way to regulate this distribution. . . some kind of technological device that could create a written collection of doctors and patients, holding both sides accountable. Oh yeah, it's called a prescription-drug database and 38 states already have them.

Gay marriage might be illegal, but at least I can ease the pain with dangerously high levels of mind-altering drugs.

That's Touching: Sexual Misconduct in Schools

On a scale of One to Gay Marriage, how bad is allowing sex offenders back into the school system? I'd wager it's up there with allowing sex offenders back into the school system. When Americans send their children off to learn, we operate under the belief that students will be kept safe and treated fairly. Well, not the gay kids, they're still going to feel isolated because of state laws that make them second-class citizens, but all the other kids. So why do some states allow convicted sex offenders back into their public schools?

In California, land of Propositions 6 (1978) and 8(2008), over 300 teachers were suspended for sexual misconduct from 2001 to 2005. However, in California, Washington, Iowa, Illinois, et al, when teachers are accused of a sexual indiscretion -- even if they are subsequently found guilty and sent to prison -- they benefit from a law that protects them and punishes children. In these states there is a confidentiality clause that keeps the reasons behind suspensions hush-hush. Limited information about the suspension is available for only a year, then they are free to creep back into the system. Which means that predators can return to the classroom as easily as they can wait 365 days . . . or cross state lines.

Looks like state governments care more about protecting the rights of sex offenders than they do about the protecting the rights of committed gay couples. Or more than they care about children, for that matter.

D.U.I Don't Think So!

Gay marriage is not just a danger to yourself, it's a danger to all the people around you. Wait, no, scratch that-- we're thinking of drunk driving. Is it hard to believe that every year hundreds of thousands of perpetrators go free, without even so much as loosing their license?

Just because you're pulled over for one measly D.U.I. doesn't mean you should have to go without your license. No, no, not here in the land of God, guns and gas-guzzlers. In nine states getting pulled over for driving under the influence, being arrested, and even awaiting trial for vehicular manslaughter, doesn't involve the drunk loosing their license. That means that these abusers are free to hit the streets again while they await prosecution. Statistics show that individuals can really rack up the arrests under this system. Why deprive red-blooded Americans of their right to get, say, three D.U.I.s in a week? Because that.just.happened.

Somewhere along the way someone said, "You know who needs a break? People who consciously put their lives and the lives of others in mortal peril." Sooo glad the privileges of drunk drivers are protected, while the rights of certain, gayer citizens are denied.

Duty To Rescue: How To Find Out Who Your Real Friends Are

So they've taken away your right to pursue happiness, but at least life and liberty are yours to keep . . . maybe. If you choke on a chicken bone or fall in an urban tiger pit, random onlookers can enjoy the show without the slightest bit of guilt while your life dwindles to nothing. Gays might be second class citizens but innocent bystanders are fully protected, for here in our glorious nation there is no duty to rescue.

Let's say your hair has erupted in flames after a tragic cigarette lighting incident. All your smoke-mate has to do to save you from a Michael Jackson-esque fate is to dump his Big Gulp over your head. Then again, he's his own man - and what have you ever done for him? Frankly, you can burn for all he and the United States government care. In Canada and many of our European counterparts, allowing someone to burn to death, be run over by a train, or drown in a 2 centimeter puddle of their own drool is at least a close relative to murder. Conversely, in the freedom-loving U.S. of A., we can watch our neighbors get mugged, raped or killed without even having to phone the authorities. Wouldn't want to interrupt tonight's episode of Two and a Half Men.

Allowing someone to die while your pick your nose is nowhere near as terrible as allowing gay marriage. Everyone knows the hierarchy of crimes: petty theft, molestation, manslaughter, homicide, consensual gay relationship. Remember that the next time you cross traffic.