Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Skydiving: Up in the Air. . . Temporarily

You know what seems like a good idea? Establishing a life-long, committed relationship with the person you love. And a bad idea? Willfully plummeting 10,000 feet, with only a thin chord between you and death. But, hey, it's your choice. Well, you have the choice to do the second thing. The first thing, not so much.

In the United States, skydiving, base jumping and parasailing all fall under the umbrella of 'personal liberty.' There are hardly any regulations on these activities, even though they account for hundreds of deaths every year. Sure, there are rules that the United States Parachute Association has published. They've even gone so far as to suggest that you follow those rules. However, there is really no legal reason to be a licensed, registered skydiver.

There are also no age limits. Legally, a child or great-granny could skydive. We've all heard about a million old people taking the plunge, which is so cliche it should be illegal. And what about the instructors? I suppose it's not difficult to teach someone to step out of an airplane. . . maybe that's the reason there are so few legal regulations for skydiving academies. Additionally, planes operated for the purpose of ejecting its passengers are allowed to circumvent many Federal Aviation Administration standards. In 1993, the FAA agreed to release skydiving planes from following passenger quantity and weight requirements. I guess if everyone has a parachute then it doesn't matter how many people you pack on board.

Skydiving, (like booze or cigarettes) will likely kill you, but it's totally your constitutional right to partake in it. If the government wants you to die alone anyway, you might as well go for the extreme.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Santa Claus: America's Most Wanted

For the last few weeks a national trend has brainwashed America's youth. Their tender and impressionable young minds have seen it on TV, they've talked about it in school, and soon they are going to start asking questions. Soon, they are going to demand answers. No, we're not referring to the radical gay agenda, we are referring to Santa Claus.

Every state in the union has strict laws against trespassing, but one night a year the Santa "Clause" comes into effect. On an international scale, Santa commits millions of breaking-and-entering crimes, often taking with him the only sprinkle-covered sugar cookies on the premises. Imagine what a violation it must be to have someone enter, unbidden into your home, prancing around in a red suit, trimmed with polar bear fur (also illegal). Claus' offenses against the regulations on trapping and keeping endangered animals like Reindeer have also never been called into question. Not to mention the thousands of Elves he enslaves, forcing them to work 364 days out of the year. No one inspects his work station for safety standards; no one has ever even seen to his workshop in the North Pole!

Considering the leniency with which Santa is treated, is it too much to ask that everyone be allowed to marry the person they love? It is Christmas, after all. . .

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Dong Meds on Your TV

For the straights, open and closeted among us, one of the most difficult parts of the gay rights movement is the questioning. Namely, the questions their children ask when they come home from school after reading King & King, or Hannah's Two Moms, et al. Should parents have to have "that conversation" with their child? Or any conversation for that matter?! And so, the question comes to mind: what happens when, during the evening news, one of those dong medicine commercials comes on the tube?

Whenever one of those Viagra or Cialis or Levithra commercials appear on your capitalism-box, anxious parents become uncomfortable when confronted with having to talk to their children about sexuality. In 2004 they began to weigh in on whether "erectional-correctional" meds should be on constant replay during dinner time. In fact, many people have contacted their state and local governments, requesting they remove the ads that promise better, more fulfilling love lives. You should also know that Congress did attempt to censor the ads, not because they were found obscene (they barely toe the line and are safe because of freedom of speech), but because it was found that Viagra did not live up to its hype. And, thanks to Bob Dole, we know that Congress did this research first hand. And yet these ridiculous commercials persist. Because it is perfectly legal to promote the sexual exploits of men, while other long-term, committed, loving relationships remain illegal.

So, remember: at some time in your life, you may have to sit through a male enhancement drug commercial in the company of a young, impressionable child. It's not the end of the world. It's just an uncomfortable right of passage all parents have to live through, like when your child turns out straight. Not exactly how you'd planned things when you envisioned their big, gay wedding...

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Save the Whales: Collect Them All!

Ah, to be a part of a culture whose beliefs the government accepts and supports. I know not everyone is going to appreciate our ways, with our love, devotion, and decorating talents. But, I mean, at least we are not slaughtering endangered species and threatening the delicate biodiversity of our world. Surely THAT would be frowned upon.

Hmm, just checked in with the rare and spectacular whales of the North Pacific. Through all the clicking and moaning, I was able to gather that nope, that's not the case at all. Since 1931, the U.S. has partially exempted itself from the International Convention for the Regulation of Whaling. Specifically, this treaty placed a moratorium on all whaling, sighting the endangerment and near extinction of virtually all whalies. Yet two states permit a handful of Americans to motor right through this law. Because of the historic traditions of ten North Pacific American Indian tribes, the United States government turns a bling eye as they hunt the endangered creatures. Now, if only these tribes still used traditional hunting methods, rather than tearing through whales with sophisticated and highly mechanized modern artillery . . .

The tradition of whale hunting gives this small sector of the American community stability, identity, and dignity. These are clearly inalienable rights that the governments of Alaska and Washington can't seem to deny their Native American tribes. Too bad those same states won't extend inalienable rights to their gay citizens.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Space Garbage: The Final Frontier

Clearly, Americans love to ruin things for others. That's why they repeatedly vote to deny gays the right to marry. This is nothing new. For decades, the human race has been unsatisfied with just ruining our own planet - we're bigger than that. Now, we pollute space.

F Your I: There are no federal restrictions on dumping garbage into outer space. You might be saying to yourself, "Yeah, that's because they don't need to restrict something that doesn't happen!" Well, Self, you're wrong, again. Since the first manned space flight in 1961, humans have been leaving behind incredible amounts of space-waste. Approximately 4 million pounds of garbage is currently zooming around the globe at an astonishing 17,500 miles per hour. Most of the slag is debris kicked off from dozens of shuttle launches, or the carcasses of forgotten satellites. Also, there are literally thousands of sacks of trash in space, bagged and booted out the door of Mir, like some bad, futuristic Glad commercial.

Isn't space travel difficult enough? Why should shuttle pilots have to navigate a mine-field of satellite parts once they reach the final frontier? I mean, it's not exactly the Route 270 spur at rush hour up there, but Neil Armstrong didn't journey 200,000 miles to parallel park!

And don't start in on me by saying that space travel is the gayest kind of travel. If gays ever get launched into the atmosphere for an interstellar nuptial, you can bet we will bring our garbage back down to Earth.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

School Cafeterias: America's Dumping Grounds

If there's one thing the gays know all about, it's how to identify a fine piece of meat. And when it comes to steak, gays wont settle for anything less than a premium cut of Beefcake. That's more than the United States government can say, apparently.

As you may know, the United States Department of Agriculture has established astonishingly low standards for our nation's public school cafeterias. Specifically, when it comes to meat and poultry (who needs protein anyway?). Annually, the National School Lunches Program purchases millions of pounds of spent-poultry, a category of chicken that usually falls under the "utility" qualification on USDA's gradient system. Not sure where "utility meat" fits in? Don't worry, it's at the absolute bottom. Might as well be grade-F rat meat.

In the past, egg farmers would dispose of their laying hens by throwing them straight out or selling them to pet food makers. Somehow, the government thought these low-quality products would be better suited to feed America's youth. Waste not, want not? Never mind the fact that spent-poultry is bred and grown in dark warehouses, stacked floor to ceiling in minute cages, ensuring that they are four times more likely to carry salmonella. Why is this legal, again? Oh, that's right, because it's super cheap.

So, as the American gay community has proven to be a much more discerning group than the USDA, shouldn't we at least be able to pick and marry our own spouses? Best. Argument. Ever.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Before Gay Marriage: A 'Pimp My Ride' Edition

So, the government has decided not to legally recognize your committed relationship. Naturally, by denying you this civil right they have successfully assimilated you into their hetero-normative society: magically, you are straight. Now it's time to look the part. Nothing screams "hard-core macho man" like a tricked out automobile.

What could be cooler than completely restricting your visibility in a decidedly vision-necessary situation? While many states regulate the amount of tint with which a car owner can operate, others have chosen to leave that all-important decision up to the consumer. Drivers in Arizona can cover their windows in construction paper for all the government cares-- that's front windshield included. In South Carolina and South Dakota, go ahead and paint the inside of your car, the tint laws are that lenient. Add some industry strength sub-woofers to have the complete Helen Keller driving experience.

What about those long moments between gear shifts? They certainly gnaw away at the soul . . . which is why having a television monitor in your dashboard comes in handy. Some states, like Illinois, have become aware of the fact that drivers are now watching back-to-back episodes of Law and Order from behind the steering wheel, while other legislators seem to be stuck in traffic. Incredibly, very few states regulate whether you can watch TV from the front seat.

Automobile accidents are among the leading causes of death in the United States, but the government seems more worried about who you marry than your driving safety. Remember that the next time you are feeling for the remote under your gas pedal, because your tinted windows have made it too dark to see, Macho Man.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Pill Mills Be Popping!

In what way is gay marriage connected to the rise of prescription drug-related deaths? Turns out they're not connected at all. Huzzah! Except that the motivations and liberties of drug addicts are better protected than those of gay citizens.

While most of the nation is busy regulating who loves who and to what end, twelve states have neglected to monitor their distribution of prescription drugs. Their lack of regulation has resulted in vast hot beds of narcotic activity across the country. "Pill Mills" are popping up all over America, and they are rarely owned or operated by actual physicians or pharmacists. Interested? All you have to do is: Step 1. Find an abandoned phone booth, shack or other sketchy front. Step 2. Obtain a pain clinic license (don't worry, no medical experience is needed and no background checks are required). Step 3. Start selling insane amounts of oxycodone to your "patients," who have no official malady. Step 4. Open a Swiss bank account for the cash money you will be raking in. Just F Your I, that's hundreds of thousands of dollars a week.

Florida happens to be the biggest distributor of oxycodone, prescribing (read: selling) far more than any other state. For those that aren't up on their narcotics lingo, oxycodone is a form of synthesized opium that is continuously linked to overdose-related deaths. Of the top 50 doctors who dispense the most oxycodone annually, 100% of them live in Florida. Unfortunately, due to the famously disorganized nature of the dispensing program, there's no way to tell how much is sold and to whom. If only there was a way to regulate this distribution. . . some kind of technological device that could create a written collection of doctors and patients, holding both sides accountable. Oh yeah, it's called a prescription-drug database and 38 states already have them.

Gay marriage might be illegal, but at least I can ease the pain with dangerously high levels of mind-altering drugs.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

That's Touching: Sexual Misconduct in Schools

On a scale of One to Gay Marriage, how bad is allowing sex offenders back into the school system? I'd wager it's up there with allowing sex offenders back into the school system. When Americans send their children off to learn, we operate under the belief that students will be kept safe and treated fairly. Well, not the gay kids, they're still going to feel isolated because of state laws that make them second-class citizens, but all the other kids. So why do some states allow convicted sex offenders back into their public schools?

In California, land of Propositions 6 (1978) and 8(2008), over 300 teachers were suspended for sexual misconduct from 2001 to 2005. However, in California, Washington, Iowa, Illinois, et al, when teachers are accused of a sexual indiscretion -- even if they are subsequently found guilty and sent to prison -- they benefit from a law that protects them and punishes children. In these states there is a confidentiality clause that keeps the reasons behind suspensions hush-hush. Limited information about the suspension is available for only a year, then they are free to creep back into the system. Which means that predators can return to the classroom as easily as they can wait 365 days . . . or cross state lines.

Looks like state governments care more about protecting the rights of sex offenders than they do about the protecting the rights of committed gay couples. Or more than they care about children, for that matter.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

D.U.I Don't Think So!

Gay marriage is not just a danger to yourself, it's a danger to all the people around you. Wait, no, scratch that-- we're thinking of drunk driving. Is it hard to believe that every year hundreds of thousands of perpetrators go free, without even so much as loosing their license?

Just because you're pulled over for one measly D.U.I. doesn't mean you should have to go without your license. No, no, not here in the land of God, guns and gas-guzzlers. In nine states getting pulled over for driving under the influence, being arrested, and even awaiting trial for vehicular manslaughter, doesn't involve the drunk loosing their license. That means that these abusers are free to hit the streets again while they await prosecution. Statistics show that individuals can really rack up the arrests under this system. Why deprive red-blooded Americans of their right to get, say, three D.U.I.s in a week? Because that.just.happened.

Somewhere along the way someone said, "You know who needs a break? People who consciously put their lives and the lives of others in mortal peril." Sooo glad the privileges of drunk drivers are protected, while the rights of certain, gayer citizens are denied.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Youth Plastic Surgery: God Doesn't Always Give With Both Hands

According to most Americans, the jury is still out on whether or not God made you gay. United States citizens know one thing for sure, though, and it's that God made Miss Pre-Teen Princess's nose too big, which is why He invented rhinoplasty. Cosmetic surgery for children, you say? There's gotta be some kind of regulation on that, right? I think you already know the answer . . .

Although youth pageants are terrifying enough, the lengths parents go to win those disproportionately large trophies are almost too much to handle. Everyone knows that a child's leg hair is an unnatural and inconvenient distraction. That's why all good pageant-moms shave their kid's bodies-- so the fake tan sprays on evenly! People used to think gap-toothed tykes were adorable. That was until they heard about miniature child dentures that cover those baby-toothless grins. Eye-lash and hair extensions are a good foundation, but what about massive structural overhaul? Liposuction, cosmetic facial augmentation; there is no official age requirement for these major elective operations. As long as Mom signs the paperwork, Junior is one chin implant away from being a winner.

So start applying your make-up. God may have made you gay, but at least He made you pretty.