Overcrowded Prisons: Welcome To The Neighborhood

Who do these Gays think they are, acting like they should be treated like everyone else? So what if they are tax-paying, law-abiding citizens? How dare they follow their natural instinct to pursue happiness! You know who really got the short end of the stick? Criminals. You're probably going to say that these people have broken the law and have maybe even harmed others. Well, if that's what you have to say then California thinks you're dumb.

Prisons are overflowing with, um, prisoners. This isn't like arriving at Bryn Mawr College to realize you will have three roommates stuffed into the average double dorm. We are talking about hundreds of people-- disorganized, shuffled, and forced into spaces that aren't safe or efficient. Local and federal governments have run out of places to put the newly-convicted, and so many are implementing early release programs to give these pillars of society just a little more elbow room.

Early release? Of ex-cons? Into my neighborhood? Without so much as an ankle monitor? Don't worry! State governments only authorize the early release of low-risk criminals, like drug dealers and child molesters - no big deal. Have you read the news lately? A young woman's remains were found in San Diego, California after she was kidnapped, raped and killed by, you guessed it, an early release prisoner. But many state officials insist that the only way inmates will receive fair treatment and adequate medical attention is if prison numbers are kept down through these release programs. That's curious, because there are other populations of Americans that receive neither of those things . . .

Can anyone make sense of this? Here is the message we are getting: California is willing to let dangerous criminals walk free, but tax-paying citizens (who happen to be gay) are the ones punished with forced singularity, which happens to be a life sentence. Is that it in a nutshell? Okay, thanks.

Faux Weed: Innocent Marijuana Is Spared As Fake Pot Stones The Nation

One might argue that if a committed relationship looks like a marriage, smells like a marriage, acts like a marriage and desperately wants to be a marriage - then it should be considered a marriage. Right? Similarly, if what you're smoking looks like pot, smells like pot, acts like pot and is being used as a pot equivalent - then it should be considered pot. Right? Shouldn't these real experiences be treated the same as their hetero-normative/cannabis-derived doppelgangers? Time for the classic B4GayMarriage punchline: NOPE.

K2, or "spice" as it is sometimes called, has the drug nation in a tizzy. The magic of this legal substitute comes from just the right mix of herbs, spices, with a hint of a synthetic psycotrope sprinkled on top. This mixture has similar effects as traditional weed: the feeling of being high and mad munchies, with the added bonus of hallucinations.

Interestingly, there have yet to be any state or federal bans on this product. The lack of regulation is particularly striking because (in addition to its desired traits) this fake chronic can cause intense agitation, seizures, extremely high blood-pressure, and other adverse effects to the cardiovascular and nervous systems that have required hospitalization. Some mid-western states like Kansas and Missouri have tried to introduce legislation to regulate faux weed, but so far these governments seem slow and unmotivated.

The K2 drug is still new and not completely understood. Toxicologists and chemists at three universities are working hard to study the dope-esque product, as well as the myriad of emergency room cases that have resulted from its use. In similar news, scientists have yet to replicate bliss, which 30 million Americans are currently being denied on the basis of their sexual orientation.

Puppy Mills: Get the Most Bang for Your Bark

After a long, internet-less period of darkness we are BACK! Thank you for your patience, your smoke-signals of encouragement, and your support!

Many states have recently taken steps to limit the potential for same sex couples to create families. And with good reason-- everyone knows that the only way to stop homosexuality from spreading is to prevent gays from marrying or adopting children. But fear not, Squirrel Friends, for if you happen to live in a state that prohibits gay couples from adopting (Georgia, Arkansas, Florida, Idaho, Kansas, et al) there are plenty of other opportunities for you. May we recommend the high-price, low-quality option of adopting a Puppy Mill pet?

This is likely preaching to the choir (gay are notorious for rescuing their pets), as you must know that Puppy Mills are brutal at best, often with hundreds of animals living in filthsome and horrific captivity. We don't need to tell you that these poor creatures -- kept alive solely for the purpose of breeding -- are stacked in cages like legos, inadequately fed, ineffectually housed and unloved. Didn't these Puppy Mill proprietors ever suffer the 10th-grade reading requirement that was Brave New World? How crazy and dystopian can you get!?

Do the cute, cuddly ends justify the inhumane, abusive means? The United States government seems to think so. Currently, there are no federal laws to regulate the number of dogs that can be kept at breeding locations. Only four states (Virginia, Oregon, Louisiana, and Washington) have strict limits on the quantity of animals per facility. Conversely, 17 states have no licensing standards whatsoever, a veritable Puppy Mill free-for-all. While there are cruelty laws that should, by definition, keep these creatures safe and healthy, the enforcement of such regulations is laughably slack.

You've got to wonder why there are so many laws that protect our ability to treat other people and creatures in such terrible and unjust ways. And to think, we've been looking for a law that allows us to celebrate and recognize our love and commitment. . .

Before Gay Marriage: A Family Tree Edition

Written by guest-contributor, gang member, and Ani DiFranco expert-in-residence, Ms. B.K. Cardigan.

There is a danger looming over us all. It is a movement powered by an all encompassing agenda, bent on the destruction of our entire way of life. It is the movement.... for cousin marriage. Across our great nation, people are "coming out" of the family closet and declaring their eternal, romantic love for their first cousins. They are demanding the right to marry, the right to access this sacred institution we as good Americans cherish. But they won't stop at marrying each other. Soon, they'll be teaching the concept of "kissing cousins" in schools. And once they've reached a critical mass, the door will open to other attacks on marriage. Before we know it, people will be marrying their siblings, uncles, and grandmas. That's only a hop, skip, and jump away from people marrying their dogs. Their dogs will want to marry their cats, and --

Oh, wait, cousin marriage is legal in 26 states. That's right, all you have to do is reside in any one of more than half of our United States and you are legally permitted to marry your first cousin. What unwholesome, backwards states they must be! We are talking about places like Connecticut, New Mexico, and Florida. Is nothing sacred? Clearly, the answer is no.

But has any of this led to an apocalypse? Also a clear answer. Protecting the freedom of people to marry those they fall in love with doesn't actually have a measurable effect on anyone-- other than for the people involved. I wish someone would tell California, Maine and New Jersey that. I guess they're too busy marrying their cousins to listen.

Pharmaceuticals: Not Your Mamma's Side Effects

For generations psychologists believed that homosexuality was a treatable, medical condition. Just flip an electrified switch or pop a pill and presto-change-o, you're straight! Think of the crazy side effects a magic straight pill might provide. After taking the pill do you wake up surrounded by half-eaten cheeseburgers, power tools, and the remnants from an obvious late-night run to the casino? What's that you say? Those are actual side effects brought on by existing FDA regulated pharmaceuticals?! Of course they are.

Today, when Americans seek pharmaceutical help to quit smoking, lower their cholesterol, cure their tingling legs, or lengthen their eyelashes (?!) they have a boat-load of side effects with which to deal. Some are mild and common, like slight nausea or drowsiness. But what about Chantix, the drug that eases nicotine addiction? Apparently, it also produces hallucinations and night terrors! Alli, the weight loss drug, forces its users to bring an extra set of pants wherever they go, because it's a lock that you are going to crap yourself. Other drugs hold the promise of amnesia, sensory taste loss, rainbow urination, compulsive gambling, intense sexual urges, suspicion of others, suicidal thoughts, and death. Is your restless leg syndrome worth death? The FDA must think so. . .

What is the threshold for the severity of these side effects? Sure, the consumer has some responsibility, but what will it take for the FDA to properly test and regulate the drugs they release to the market? In the mean time --since we can't get gay married-- anyone want to experiment with that colorful pee thing?

Advanced Drinking: Super-Booze and You

Feeling depressed that you and the (same-sex) love of your life can’t get hitched? Too cheap for Xanax? Well, there’s always alcohol. Plentiful, potent, legal, alcohol. And don’t waste your money on the fancy stuff, my friends! That’s not for drowning sorrows. Instead, we recommend grade-F rat hooch, the stuff of brown bags, the stuff of wacked-out dreams.

But be advised, there are states in our union that do not want you to consume to your heart’s content. Some wussy states don’t even allow the sale of 151-proof. That’s why all freedom-loving boozehounds should pack their bags for Iowa, Missouri, North Carolina and Montana where you can purchase 190 proof alcohol without teetotalling legislators crawling up your backside. Plus, when you are not putting back H2Whoa, you can use your grain alcohol as stove fuel, house cleaning solvent, or antiseptic for wounds (and depending on the previous night, all might be very necessary).

Right about now you are asking – what’s the big deal? A hangover isn’t such a terrible thing, I mean, they made a movie about it. WRONG. (Well, technically, yes they did make a movie called “The Hangover,” but wrong that it’s not a big deal – read on and we’ll explain…) Alcohol poisoning kills hundreds of people every year. Death becomes a potential “side effect” once your blood alcohol concentration reaches above .30 %. How many shots of 190 proof would it take before you are high-five-ing the Grim Reeper? Well, that is a delicate calculation of height, weight, food, time, and the movement of the western wind, but the short answer is probably around six servings for the average individual.

Ever wonder why you and your beloved can’t file your taxes jointly but you can self-medicate with grain alcohol? Why you can literally kill yourself with booze but you can’t say “I do”? Well, we haven’t figured it out either.

Helmet Laws: Optional Rules of the Road

With the recent rulings against marriage equality, it could be time to hit the road and do some soul searching. Hop on that Harley and make for the hills. Don't you love how the wind feels as it whips through your long, salt-and-pepper mullet? Do you love that more or less than a face full of gravel? Well, with the relaxed helmet laws in 25 states you can have your cake and eat it, too.

When ripping along at 75 miles per hour it seems like a good idea to put something between your soft skull and the hard pavement. However, Iowa, Illinois, and New Hampshire have no laws concerning the use of a helmet or protective gear while operating a motocycle, moped, or bicycle. Twenty-two other states have suggested regulations, but only for citizens under the age of 18. Which makes perfect sense, given the thickening of the skull that occurs during the formidable high school years.

Do you think helmet-related motorcycle accidents occur everyday? Of course they do, silly! So, you've got to wonder what the 25 states in our union without helmet laws are playing at. Perhaps the most curious is the commonwealth of Pennsylvania, where helmet laws were actually reversed following the near-fatal bike accident of their beloved, fugly hero, Ben Rothlesaklsjgnaald-name-guy. It's almost like they learned nothing from his head-first collision with the Earth.

So, if you're ever feeling constricted by the laws trying to box you into a hetero-sexist union, just recreate your favorite Road Warrior scene on the back of the biggest, loudest hog you can find. But if you're planning on getting on behind Mel Gibson, make sure that's not short for Melanie, because gay marriage still isn't legal.