Things That Were Legalized Before Gay Marriage

What Do Marlboro Man And Don Draper Have In Common? Death.

2010-05-23T17:03:00.004+01:00

Despite the much anticipated return of smoke-fiends Don Draper, Joan Harris, et al., we can all agree that lighting up in this modern era is simply gross. And for once it appears the government is squarely on our side, as evidenced by its 1999 lawsuit against the tobacco industry. But wait, what’s that? Despite the proven health risks we continue to subsidize tobacco farmers? What sort of two-faced BS is this?!

The United States government has poured a little extra dough to tobacco farmers ever since the Great Depression. People were totally broke and so the government was subsidizing many of the products deemed "necessary." Black Tuesday, the dust bowl, and the deepest depression of the 20th Century - it's enough to make anyone turn to vices. But it's been 80+ years. We know better, right?

Nope. Just last year over $200 million went from our treasury to tobacco farmers’ coffers. And don’t even get us started on the $96 billion a year smoking drains the United States in direct health care costs, and an additional $97 billion a year in lost productivity. Glad you care about a healthy and productive workforce, America.

We at B4GM couldn't be more pissed our tax dollars are being funneled into the supply chain of an expensive, filthy, and destructive habit. If only Uncle Sam could put down the death stick and spare a moment of his legislative time to let us get married.

Calorie Nation: How To Induce a Heart Attack

2010-05-03T19:57:00.008+01:00

Our great nation was built on freedom and independence. We as citizens have the privilege (and responsibility) of controlling our own lives and choices. Which means that we always have to come up with new and innovative ways to end those lives. Today we're not talking about guns, cigarettes, or semi-legal drugs. We are talking about fat -- lots and lots of fat.

Naturally, the government does not regulate the amount of calories Americans are allowed to consume (that would be as ridiculous as regulating who we're allowed to marry!), but the Food and Drug Administration does post a suggested caloric intake. For men, the FDA advises an average consumption of 2,500 calories, while women should be able to get by with 2,000. Surprisingly, certain restaurants have flown in the face of these recommended standards! Imagine consuming 75% of your daily caloric quota in one, heart-attack-inducing sitting. Now that artery-clogging dream can come true with the help of your friends at IHOP, Burger King, KFC, and Sonic, among others.

Our senses have already been assaulted with the KFC "Double-Down." Consisting of four pieces of bacon, two slices of swiss-cheese slathered in special sauce and flanked by two breasts of world famous fried chicken, the Double Down clocks in at 540 calories. Although the Double Down has been getting a lot of negative press, the Burger King Quad Stacker (bun, burger paddy, bacon, chee, paddy, bacon, chee, paddy, bacon, chee, paddy, bacon, chee, bun) accounts for half a day's caloric intake: 1,000 calories! Sonic is responsible for the Pancake on a Stick, one of which can put you back 400 calories, but the prize, the ultimate chest-clutcher belongs to IHOP. The International House of Pancakes has presented the Pancake-Cheesecake Sandwich, aka the "Pancake Stacker." Imagine a stack of fluffy flap-jacks, each one separated by a dense layer of cheesecake. This shocking amount of carbohydrates easily accounts for half of ones daily intake: 1,250 calories.

How can this possibly seem like a good idea? And why do "restaurants" like KFC and IHOP take such pride in out-doing each other with their wax-paper-wrapped heart attacks? Sure, it's your right to kill yourself one Pancake-Cheesecake Sandwich at a time, but maybe you wouldn't self medicate with food if you could marry the person of your choice.

Feeling Flushed: Public Toilet Regulations

2010-04-21T00:55:00.008+01:00

Does our nation's standard of inequality have you running to the restroom to check your smudged guy-liner? Well, hold onto your mascara, Children of Lambert, because with the woeful lack of regulations on public bathrooms in this country you might want to consider waiting. Not only are there generally no restrooms to be had, but those that are available are filthsome at best.

On a scale of one to ten how big of a priority is using the bathroom to you? For us, it's somewhere in between food, shelter and Harry Potter. While the Department of Health and Human Services (DHHS) requires employers to provide access to clean restrooms to all of their workers, there are no government regulations requiring businesses to supply latrines to their patrons. Similarly disappointing is the lack of any federal requirement for water-closets on state property. So if you plan on leaving the house today, you'd better pack your stadium pal or be prepared to break some public urination laws.

The American Restroom Association (ARA) maintains that the people's bladders deserve a defender. Some ARA research revealed that the inability to access safe/clean/non-rat-infested bathrooms can dramatically affect one's health. For example, it was discovered that people would rather risk dehydration than drink enough water to send them to a municipal toilet in New York City. Additionally, public schools don't answer to the DHHS's standards of restroom facilities. Imagine America's children. Now imagine them without bathrooms. Look again: they are forced to urinate into trashcans, empty bottles, and shrubbery. Now, back to me: these unbelievable circumstances are real -- there are accounts of "bathroom lock-downs" in Minnesota, Florida, and South Carolina, et al.

Wouldn't you agree that access to a restroom is a serious health issue? Especially since we know (some of us all too well) that emergency street-peeing is an imprisonable offense! So why should we be law breakers for answering the call of nature when the lawmakers don't seem to respond to this vital concern. You're telling me that the government can tell me who I can and cannot marry but doesn't have to enforce simple health standards? Guess I'll be crossing my legs for the foreseeable future.

Pen Guns: Does Size Really Matter?

2010-04-14T13:54:00.005+01:00

Does the government's prohibition on same-sex unions have you on a vengeful bender? Why not go James Bond on their asses?* That's right, whip out those super stealthy pen guns, cane rifles and flashlight grenades! Even though you can't get gay married, there's nothing stopping you from making an artillery of improvisational weapons.

If you think hidden firearms are just for 007, think again. Since the National Firearms Act of 1934 the government has tried (somewhat unsuccessfully) to control "non-sporting" weapons. While the NFA does cover many different kinds of guns, 48 states allow AOW's, or "any other weapons." An AOW is defined as "any weapon or device capable of being concealed on the person, from which a shot can be discharged..." Pretty vague, right? Essentially, AOW's are anything and everything that can be rigged, duct-tapped, and jiggered to fire a bullet. In many ways, these weapons are legal by omission -- there's just no way to make a law that covers guns made from . . . well, whatever you want to make them from.

DIY guns might seem bangin', but do you really need a secret cell-phone gun? Those babies have terrible service coverage and are totally inaccurate. A lot of these weapons have super short barrels, which makes them only good for shooting things that are slightly larger than barn doors. Of course, one might argue that this actually makes them more dangerous, but hey, it's a free country. (Also, if you are questioning how fatal these weapons can be, consider this.)

So go ahead, call up Q and have him make you a combination crazy-straw/assault rifle, I hear they're efficient and festive! But, if you're allowed to make a gun out of a PVC pipe and two soda cans then why on earth can't I get gay married?

*We aren't actually condoning violence. We happen to be conscientious objectors (re:Quakers).

Marriage Quota: X Time's the Charm!

2010-04-06T00:37:00.006+01:00

People say that your wedding day is that happiest day of your life (not that we would know. . .). But why limit yourself to only one memorable experience? Date, marry, divorce, rinse and repeat, right? Conveniently, neither the state or federal governments have any restriction on the number of times a (straight) person can get divorced/remarried.

Now, we at B4GayMarriage are a "live and let live" bunch. If you'd like to get married a couple (dozen) times, who are we to say boo on that? But we can't help noticing that there doesn't seem to be a quota on the number of times one can get hetero-married. Everyone's got an uncle or cousin who has been hitched 2, 3 or 10 times. However, the Grand Poobah of Knot Tying is Glynn Wolfe, a California minister who has said "I do" 29 times.

Twenty-nine marriages in 89 years of life. That's pretty prolific. I mean, this guy puts Henry VIII to shame. Most of the unions seem to have lasted less than a few months, with the spectrum ranging from nineteen days to 11 years. When Wolfe died in 1997, his only son reported that Wolfe detested "living in sin" and so he would marry every chance he got (translation: let's hump on God's time). Most of his marriages ended in divorce, including the expulsion of one wife over her habit of eating sunflower seeds in bed. I guess that's better than beheading. Nice to know that the State sanctions even these trivial dismissals of marital bonds.

By the end of his life, it became clear that Wolfe was not looking for that one perfect soul mate. Instead, his 29th marriage was merely for publicity - by exchanging vows he got his matrimony-lovin' mug in the Guinness Book of World Records. Good to know that straight couples have the option of marrying (innumerable times) for sport. We just want to do it once, and we want it to last forever.

Roller Coaster . . . Of Love (Whoo, whoo, whoo!)

2010-04-01T04:06:00.009+01:00

Has the government's regulation on gay marriage got you spinning? Does it feel like you're climbing ever higher toward some gut-scrambling nose-dive? It probably does, but just to be sure - are you presently riding on a roller coaster? If your answer to our previous query is yes, get the hell off.

Some might say that by strapping into that rickety ol' cart on Death Mountain you are taking responsibility for your own actions. I mean, there is truth in branding. But would you feel better or worse knowing that there are no universal safety standards for amusement parks? What about the fact that there is a federal ban prohibiting ride experts from investigating amusement park accidents . . . including the incident of fatality?

Unlike other areas where government agencies regulate public health and safety, there is no organization that promulgates policies to control these popular thrills. That leaves local governments responsible for planning their own ordinances. Unfortunately, 21 of our 50 states don't have any programs overseeing their amusement parks. And isn't it ironic (don't you think?) that the Mickey Mouse state has the loosest regulations? Or is it just convenient that the state with the biggest and most famous theme park has some of the most lenient restrictions, allowing these attractions to function without federal oversight? Perhaps we should stop being so cynical and simply say: Congratulations Florida, you're #1!

So, next time you're down at Disney World for their annual homo-fest, remember that although Florida won't let you get gay-married, you're still encouraged to have a Fantasmic Cinderellabration!

Something In The Water: Packaged Ice

2010-03-26T16:02:00.007Z

Feeling a little down as a result of the state's involvement in your love life? Chewing on ice as a way to alleviate your sexual frustration? Well, stop! That crap is poisonous! Do you even know what's in packaged ice? Unfortunately, we just found out.

People often worry about rancid food or contaminated beverages, but what about the other things we consume? If bad food and drink can make you sick, can't bad ice as well? The Food and Drug Administration doesn't seem to think so. Despite the fact that studies show that packaged and manufactured ice chips are about as clean as toilet water, the FDA does not regulate packaged ice producers or the ice made at food retailers. That's right, the ice in your Big Gulp has never been inspected and is not held to any standard.

So what, it's just a little bit of ice, right? That's not how the Beeman family of Phoenix, Arizona feel. In 2002 their son died after drinking beverages chilled in a public cooler. The cause was filthy ice, which infected him and 80 other youngsters. Noroviruses, like the one that killed Scott Beeman, are rarely fatal, but they can (and should) be easily avoided. Maybe this wouldn't happen if the FDA had a standard for the production and handling of ice? No, that's too much to ask.

If the United States government is so worried about the health and well-being of its citizenship then why allow contaminated ice on the market? It's almost as though they are too busy regulating our private lives to notice that some of these companies are getting away with murder. Does it sound like we are suggesting that there's a discrepancy between how corporations and citizens are expected to operate? Because we totally are.

Overcrowded Prisons: Welcome To The Neighborhood

2010-03-17T01:04:00.013Z

Who do these Gays think they are, acting like they should be treated like everyone else? So what if they are tax-paying, law-abiding citizens? How dare they follow their natural instinct to pursue happiness! You know who really got the short end of the stick? Criminals. You're probably going to say that these people have broken the law and have maybe even harmed others. Well, if that's what you have to say then California thinks you're dumb.

Prisons are overflowing with, um, prisoners. This isn't like arriving at Bryn Mawr College to realize you will have three roommates stuffed into the average double dorm. We are talking about hundreds of people-- disorganized, shuffled, and forced into spaces that aren't safe or efficient. Local and federal governments have run out of places to put the newly-convicted, and so many are implementing early release programs to give these pillars of society just a little more elbow room.

Early release? Of ex-cons? Into my neighborhood? Without so much as an ankle monitor? Don't worry! State governments only authorize the early release of low-risk criminals, like drug dealers and child molesters - no big deal. Have you read the news lately? A young woman's remains were found in San Diego, California after she was kidnapped, raped and killed by, you guessed it, an early release prisoner. But many state officials insist that the only way inmates will receive fair treatment and adequate medical attention is if prison numbers are kept down through these release programs. That's curious, because there are other populations of Americans that receive neither of those things . . .

Can anyone make sense of this? Here is the message we are getting: California is willing to let dangerous criminals walk free, but tax-paying citizens (who happen to be gay) are the ones punished with forced singularity, which happens to be a life sentence. Is that it in a nutshell? Okay, thanks.

Faux Weed: Innocent Marijuana Is Spared As Fake Pot Stones The Nation

2010-03-11T16:55:00.014Z

One might argue that if a committed relationship looks like a marriage, smells like a marriage, acts like a marriage and desperately wants to be a marriage - then it should be considered a marriage. Right? Similarly, if what you're smoking looks like pot, smells like pot, acts like pot and is being used as a pot equivalent - then it should be considered pot. Right? Shouldn't these real experiences be treated the same as their hetero-normative/cannabis-derived doppelgangers? Time for the classic B4GayMarriage punchline: NOPE.

K2, or "spice" as it is sometimes called, has the drug nation in a tizzy. The magic of this legal substitute comes from just the right mix of herbs, spices, with a hint of a synthetic psycotrope sprinkled on top. This mixture has similar effects as traditional weed: the feeling of being high and mad munchies, with the added bonus of hallucinations.

Interestingly, there have yet to be any state or federal bans on this product. The lack of regulation is particularly striking because (in addition to its desired traits) this fake chronic can cause intense agitation, seizures, extremely high blood-pressure, and other adverse effects to the cardiovascular and nervous systems that have required hospitalization. Some mid-western states like Kansas and Missouri have tried to introduce legislation to regulate faux weed, but so far these governments seem slow and unmotivated.

The K2 drug is still new and not completely understood. Toxicologists and chemists at three universities are working hard to study the dope-esque product, as well as the myriad of emergency room cases that have resulted from its use. In similar news, scientists have yet to replicate bliss, which 30 million Americans are currently being denied on the basis of their sexual orientation.

Puppy Mills: Get the Most Bang for Your Bark

2010-03-02T20:28:00.010Z

After a long, internet-less period of darkness we are BACK! Thank you for your patience, your smoke-signals of encouragement, and your support!

Many states have recently taken steps to limit the potential for same sex couples to create families. And with good reason-- everyone knows that the only way to stop homosexuality from spreading is to prevent gays from marrying or adopting children. But fear not, Squirrel Friends, for if you happen to live in a state that prohibits gay couples from adopting (Georgia, Arkansas, Florida, Idaho, Kansas, et al) there are plenty of other opportunities for you. May we recommend the high-price, low-quality option of adopting a Puppy Mill pet?

This is likely preaching to the choir (gay are notorious for rescuing their pets), as you must know that Puppy Mills are brutal at best, often with hundreds of animals living in filthsome and horrific captivity. We don't need to tell you that these poor creatures -- kept alive solely for the purpose of breeding -- are stacked in cages like legos, inadequately fed, ineffectually housed and unloved. Didn't these Puppy Mill proprietors ever suffer the 10th-grade reading requirement that was Brave New World? How crazy and dystopian can you get!?

Do the cute, cuddly ends justify the inhumane, abusive means? The United States government seems to think so. Currently, there are no federal laws to regulate the number of dogs that can be kept at breeding locations. Only four states (Virginia, Oregon, Louisiana, and Washington) have strict limits on the quantity of animals per facility. Conversely, 17 states have no licensing standards whatsoever, a veritable Puppy Mill free-for-all. While there are cruelty laws that should, by definition, keep these creatures safe and healthy, the enforcement of such regulations is laughably slack.

You've got to wonder why there are so many laws that protect our ability to treat other people and creatures in such terrible and unjust ways. And to think, we've been looking for a law that allows us to celebrate and recognize our love and commitment. . .

Before Gay Marriage: A Family Tree Edition

2010-02-22T09:30:00.003Z

Written by guest-contributor, gang member, and Ani DiFranco expert-in-residence, Ms. B.K. Cardigan.

There is a danger looming over us all. It is a movement powered by an all encompassing agenda, bent on the destruction of our entire way of life. It is the movement.... for cousin marriage. Across our great nation, people are "coming out" of the family closet and declaring their eternal, r omantic love for their first cousins . They are demanding the right to marry, the right to access this sacred institution we as good Americans cherish. But they won't stop at marrying each other. Soon, they'll be teaching the concept of "kissing cousins" in schools. And once they've reached a critical mass, the door will open to other attacks on marriage. Before we know it, people will be marrying their siblings, uncles, and grandmas. That's only a hop, skip, and jump away from people marrying their dogs. Their dogs will want to marry their cats, and --

Oh, wait, cousin marriage is legal in 26 states. That's right, all you have to do is reside in any one of more than half of our United States and you are legally permitted to marry your first cousin. What unwholesome, backwards states they must be! We are talking about places like Connecticut, New Mexico, and Florida. Is nothing sacred? Clearly, the answer is no.

But has any of this led to an a pocalypse? Also a clear answer. Protecting the freedom of people to marry those they fall in love with doesn't actually have a measurable effect on anyone-- other than for the people involved. I wish someone would tell California, Maine and New Jersey that. I guess they're too busy marrying their cousins to listen.

Pharmaceuticals: Not Your Mamma's Side Effects

2010-02-18T17:36:00.007Z

For generations psychologists believed that homosexuality was a treatable, medical condition. Just flip an electrified switch or pop a pill and presto-change-o, you're straight! Think of the crazy side effects a magic straight pill might provide. After taking the pill do you wake up surrounded by half-eaten cheeseburgers, power tools, and the remnants from an obvious late-night run to the casino? What's that you say? Those are actual side effects brought on by existing FDA regulated pharmaceuticals?! Of course they are.

Today, when Americans seek pharmaceutical help to quit smoking, lower their cholesterol, cure their tingling legs, or lengthen their eyelashes (?!) they have a boat-load of side effects with which to deal. Some are mild and common, like slight nausea or drowsiness. But what about Chantix, the drug that eases nicotine addiction? Apparently, it also produces hallucinations and night terrors! Alli, the weight loss drug, forces its users to bring an extra set of pants wherever they go, because it's a lock that you are going to crap yourself. Other drugs hold the promise of amnesia, sensory taste loss, rainbow urination, compulsive gambling, intense sexual urges, suspicion of others, suicidal thoughts, and death. Is your restless leg syndrome worth death? The FDA must think so. . .

What is the threshold for the severity of these side effects? Sure, the consumer has some responsibility, but what will it take for the FDA to properly test and regulate the drugs they release to the market? In the mean time --since we can't get gay married-- anyone want to experiment with that colorful pee thing?

Advanced Drinking: Super-Booze and You

2010-02-09T00:38:00.020Z

Feeling depressed that you and the (same-sex) love of your life can’t get hitched? Too cheap for Xanax? Well, there’s always alcohol. Plentiful, potent, legal, alcohol. And don’t waste your money on the fancy stuff, my friends! That’s not for drowning sorrows. Instead, we recommend grade-F rat hooch, the stuff of brown bags, the stuff of wacked-out dreams.

But be advised, there are states in our union that do not want you to consume to your heart’s content. Some wussy states don’t even allow the sale of 151-proof. That’s why all freedom-loving boozehounds should pack their bags for Iowa, Missouri, North Carolina and Montana where you can purchase 190 proof alcohol without teetotalling legislators crawling up your backside. Plus, when you are not putting back H2Whoa, you can use your grain alcohol as stove fuel, house cleaning solvent, or antiseptic for wounds (and depending on the previous night, all might be very necessary).

Right about now you are asking – what’s the big deal? A hangover isn’t such a terrible thing, I mean, they made a movie about it. WRONG. (Well, technically, yes they did make a movie called “The Hangover,” but wrong that it’s not a big deal – read on and we’ll explain…) Alcohol poisoning kills hundreds of people every year. Death becomes a potential “side effect” once your blood alcohol concentration reaches above .30 %. How many shots of 190 proof would it take before you are high-five-ing the Grim Reeper? Well, that is a delicate calculation of height, weight, food, time, and the movement of the western wind, but the short answer is probably around six servings for the average individual.

Ever wonder why you and your beloved can’t file your taxes jointly but you can self-medicate with grain alcohol? Why you can literally kill yourself with booze but you can’t say “I do”? Well, we haven’t figured it out either.

Helmet Laws: Optional Rules of the Road

2010-02-06T03:38:00.009Z

With the recent rulings against marriage equality, it could be time to hit the road and do some soul searching. Hop on that Harley and make for the hills. Don't you love how the wind feels as it whips through your long, salt-and-pepper mullet? Do you love that more or less than a face full of gravel? Well, with the relaxed helmet laws in 25 states you can have your cake and eat it, too.

When ripping along at 75 miles per hour it seems like a good idea to put something between your soft skull and the hard pavement. However, Iowa, Illinois, and New Hampshire have no laws concerning the use of a helmet or protective gear while operating a motocycle, moped, or bicycle. Twenty-two other states have suggested regulations, but only for citizens under the age of 18. Which makes perfect sense, given the thickening of the skull that occurs during the formidable high school years.

Do you think helmet-related motorcycle accidents occur everyday? Of course they do, silly! So, you've got to wonder what the 25 states in our union without helmet laws are playing at. Perhaps the most curious is the commonwealth of Pennsylvania, where helmet laws were actually reversed following the near-fatal bike accident of their beloved, fugly hero, Ben Rothlesaklsjgnaald-name-guy. It's almost like they learned nothing from his head-first collision with the Earth.

So, if you're ever feeling constricted by the laws trying to box you into a hetero-sexist union, just recreate your favorite Road Warrior scene on the back of the biggest, loudest hog you can find. But if you're planning on getting on behind Mel Gibson, make sure that's not short for Melanie, because gay marriage still isn't legal.

Hazing: Please, Sir, May I Have Another

2010-01-31T03:07:00.001Z

Why shouldn't we allow same-sex couples to get married? Simple, because we've never allowed them to get married before. Everyone knows that change is scary and wrong and dangerous. That's why people shouldn't try to mess with time-honored and sacred traditions . . . like hazing.

For generations, impressionable young men have been meeting in darkened, candlelit rooms, peeling off layers of clothing, and committing unspeakable acts (sound homoerotic to anyone else?). Today, 44 states find hazing to be "inhumane" and even "torturous." In those jurisdictions, hazing will cost you as little as $10 or as much as serious time behind bars. However, six freedom-loving states --Alaska, Hawaii, Montana, New Mexico, South Dakota and Wyoming-- have no regulations whatsoever on this time-honored practice.

And why should they? Nothing is more macho, more American, than hazing. These rituals used to occur without the burden of pansy regulations. Some of our nation's oldest and most prestigious universities seasoned many a powerful and influential public figure by the paddle as much as by the book. However, some states just don't appreciate that. Maybe those states don't realize what a critical and irreplaceable part hazing plays in the life of a young co-ed. Maybe they don't understand that engaging in an elephant walk or receiving a golden shower is a right of passage that turns boys into men, and those men into the leaders of tomorrow.

Just because something is violent and demeaning doesn't mean it should be illegal. History is a better judge of right and wrong than the social mores of the time. I mean, the rights, freedoms and liberties of 1776 were good enough for the Founding Fathers, and it's not like we've ever updated or amended those . . .

Deadbeat Dads: Parenting From Beyond The Grave

2010-01-24T20:26:00.006Z

One of the most prominent arguments made by opponents of gay marriage is the issue of parenting. They say a baby needs a Mommy and a Daddy, so even if you have two spectacular specimens of one, the child will likely turn out to be a mass-murderer, a Wall Street schemer, or at least a serial bed-wetter. But what about the children of brave single parents? What if a wife leaves her husband and child? Or what if a husband dies, forcing his wife to harvest his dead body for sperm (without his or anyone else's consent) to produce the child she always wanted? What then, America?

Well, legally, that is an option. Around the world, postmortem sperm procurement has raised a number of legal and ethical eyebrows. In Germany, France, Australia and Canada this sort of "retrieval" is banned out-right. In England, specific written permission is required for artificial insemination to occur after the father has "passed on." But here in the U.S. there is no standard protocol for this procedure. No written consent? No will? No problem!

If the American people care so deeply that a child have both a mother and father, then why do we permit the farming of a beloved's cadaver to create the spawn he never wanted? This exact scenario recently happened. A 42-year old woman from England won a court case that allowed her to keep the organic specimen she ordered doctors to extract from her dead hubby. The woman then traveled to the United States, where there were no state or federal laws restricting her insemination choices to the consensual and/or living.

If being the baby-mama to some zombie-halfsie isn't natural, then I don't know what is. So let's raise a glass to all the breeders out there. At least someone's happiness is being recognized and protected...

Death Row Marriages: Consecutive Wife Sentences

2010-01-20T18:09:00.005Z

Ahh, those somber and profound wedding vows, they tug at the heartstrings every time. Is there really anything more moving than watching two people commit to each other, “till death do us part”? Particularly if one of those people has that very event scheduled in advance as a sentence for hideous crimes like serial murder, rape, child-molestation, and/or terrorism. That’s right, the government may not condone the crimes you’ve been convicted of, but you can still plan that special day and have your marriage recognized at the local and federal level in states such as Florida, Texas, North Carolina and California.

Now, some of these jurisdictions limit contact, with Texas actually forbidding any touching at all-- a proxy is called in during the vows. These two people will never live together, produce children, or even (in some states) be left unsupervised for a moment. Yet despite the restrictions on behavior and personal liberty imposed as part of a stint on Death Row, these citizen-felons still retain the civil right of marriage! Call the caterer, pick out a dress and book the prison chapel; the list of honeymoon destinations might be a little limited, but I hear the lighting in Supervised Visitation can really set the mood.

So even if you’ve got a date with a hypodermic syringe, don’t let that get in the way of planning a white wedding! Despite what you may have been convicted of, despite the life, liberty and happiness you’ve taken away from others, rest easy in your bunk knowing that you still might find that special someone.

Just try not to fall for your cellmate, because even if you are getting married in prison, it still can't be to a person of the same sex.

Tanned Hides: Bronze is the New Dead

2010-01-12T02:08:00.004Z

The Twilight Saga seemed to signal the death of "tan." With Robert Pattinson's paper-white vampire skin making all the tweens swoon, pale and transparent was the new vogue. (For the record, B4GayMarriage does not wish to register an opinion in the Team Edward/Team Jacob debate. We prefer Harry.) All we can say is, thank jeebus for MTV's Jersey Shore. Snooki and the gang have made bronze (and boozey) glamorous again. Tan is back on top! Unless you count the fact that recent studies have shown tanning beds to be as deadly as arsenic or mustard gas.

Who would have guessed? Lying eye-balls down in a public coffin of ultra-violet light is not just unsanitary, it makes you 75% more likely to get cancer. Twenty different tests have all demonstrated conclusively that the radiation used in tanning beds is carcinogenic, and therefore lethal. You might be wondering, why didn't we do these tests before providing tanning bed technology to the market? Are our government's health regulations so relaxed that they can release potentially dangerous materials to consumers without taking the proper precautions? Absolutely.

It's not like they could have known about the long-term effects of direct ultra-violet radiation for the millions of people that use tanning beds every year. If only there was some way of knowing. Like, comparing the impact of other radiations on the human body and seeing if they had any negative outcomes. Hmm, maybe the sun's radiation seemed too obvious. . . Anyway, that didn't stop the Food and Drug Administration from giving the thumbs up to tanning companies across the nation. After all, they aren't responsible for regulating the research that-- oh, crap. Yes they are.

This is America after all, and if you're not free to tan, you're not free to do anything. Well, there are some things you aren't free to do. . . like marry your same-sex partner. That seems to be out of the question.

Bear Wrestling: Claws, Paws, and Jaws

2010-01-07T19:26:00.004Z

Gays are always up on the latest trends. Whether it is fashion, music, food, architecture, art, humor, politics, or health, we set the standard, and American culture usually follows (Gaga, anyone?). So, when the newest fad in physical fitness hit the airwaves, we were pretty surprised we hadn't thought of it first. Oh, wait, it's Bear Wrestling? No, we don't want to do that-- we'll leave that to the drunken fraternity brothers.

A pre-historic venture, humans have been engaging in bear wrestling for generations, although at that time it may have been more for survival than for entertainment. The first evidence of bear fighting as spectacle dates from the late 19th century, when traveling circuses began to exhibit man versus animal shows. Visitors were often invited into the ring with the promise of cash prizes for anyone who could take down the bear. Apparently, that sort of activity is still happening today. Imagine entering your favorite local bar, or strip club, or high school. Now factor in a 900-pound black bear named Caesar. For $10 you can go toe to toe against Caesar, with two possible outcomes: one, you could win $1,000, or two, Caesar will pierce and spill your organs. Also, there's usually lots of alcohol. This very scenario took place recently in Columbus, Ohio.

Today, the legal aspects of bear wrestling are decided on a local level. Several states have outright bans on fighting with grizzlies, like Louisiana and Alabama. Elsewhere, Ohio and Pennsylvania for example, bear wrestling extravaganzas still take place annually. So, if you find, as we have, that your favorite Results Gym is closing, just cross the boarder to a bear wrestling-friendly location and get ready to work out those glamour muscles. You might not be able to get engaged to the love of your life, but you can engage a bear in a neck-lock anytime.

Ripped From the Headlines: Closeted Chemicals!!

2010-01-05T01:15:00.005Z

You thought you knew the Environmental Protection Agency pretty well. You'd been friends for years; shared some good memories together, laughed, cried.... But the EPA has a secret it's been too afraid to tell you - until now. It's what you've always suspected, but could never prove, the EPA is coming out of its chemical closet.

In this B4GayMarriage "ripped from the headlines" special, we are highlighting an issue that has recently come to our attention. Apparently, the EPA has knowingly permitted the poisoning of Americans for decades. In 1976, the government struck a deal with manufacturers: all the chemicals used in commercial products, from household cleaning solvents to popular cosmetics, must be disclosed to the EPA - with the caveat that those chemicals and their scientific formulas remain hidden from the public.

Thankfully, what people don't know can't hurt them. Oh, nevermind. Numerous deaths a year have been attributed to poisoning, caused by unknown chemicals with secret, government-protected recipes. But what about Coca-Cola's special ingredient?! Or the Colonel's secret chicken recipe of 500 herbs and spices?! If the Toxic Substances Control Act is overturned then these companies (and others) would have to go public with their highly confidential chemicals. What an inconvenience. It's only our health.

For the last 34 years the government has closeted this important information, often at the cost of our health and security. The EPA needs to stop living a lie, protecting large companies, and shielding them from the consumer to ensure their financial success. To the EPA - be out, be proud, and tell us what is in our friggin' shampoo. And finally, if you're going to legally poison us, at least allow us to get gay married.

Skydiving: Up in the Air. . . Temporarily

2009-12-30T23:37:00.006Z

You know what seems like a good idea? Establishing a life-long, committed relationship with the person you love. And a bad idea? Willfully plummeting 10,000 feet, with only a thin chord between you and death. But, hey, it's your choice. Well, you have the choice to do the second thing. The first thing, not so much.

In the United States, skydiving, base jumping and parasailing all fall under the umbrella of 'personal liberty.' There are hardly any regulations on these activities, even though they account for hundreds of deaths every year. Sure, there are rules that the United States Parachute Association has published. They've even gone so far as to suggest that you follow those rules. However, there is really no legal reason to be a licensed, registered skydiver.

There are also no age limits. Legally, a child or great-granny could skydive. We've all heard about a million old people taking the plunge, which is so cliche it should be illegal. And what about the instructors? I suppose it's not difficult to teach someone to step out of an airplane. . . maybe that's the reason there are so few legal regulations for skydiving academies. Additionally, planes operated for the purpose of ejecting its passengers are allowed to circumvent many Federal Aviation Administration standards. In 1993, the FAA agreed to release skydiving planes from following passenger quantity and weight requirements. I guess if everyone has a parachute then it doesn't matter how many people you pack on board.

Skydiving, (like booze or cigarettes) will likely kill you, but it's totally your constitutional right to partake in it. If the government wants you to die alone anyway, you might as well go for the extreme.

Santa Claus: America's Most Wanted

2009-12-25T17:00:00.000Z

For the last few weeks a national trend has brainwashed America's youth. Their tender and impressionable young minds have seen it on TV, they've talked about it in school, and soon they are going to start asking questions. Soon, they are going to demand answers. No, we're not referring to the radical gay agenda, we are referring to Santa Claus.

Every state in the union has strict laws against trespassing, but one night a year the Santa "Clause" comes into effect. On an international scale, Santa commits millions of breaking-and-entering crimes, often taking with him the only sprinkle-covered sugar cookies on the premises. Imagine what a violation it must be to have someone enter, unbidden into your home, prancing around in a red suit, trimmed with polar bear fur (also illegal). Claus' offenses against the regulations on trapping and keeping endangered animals like Reindeer have also never been called into question. Not to mention the thousands of Elves he enslaves, forcing them to work 364 days out of the year. No one inspects his work station for safety standards; no one has ever even seen to his workshop in the North Pole!

Considering the leniency with which Santa is treated, is it too much to ask that everyone be allowed to marry the person they love? It is Christmas, after all. . .

Dong Meds on Your TV

2009-12-20T00:18:00.006Z

For the straights, open and closeted among us, one of the most difficult parts of the gay rights movement is the questioning. Namely, the questions their children ask when they come home from school after reading King & King, or Hannah's Two Moms, et al. Should parents have to have "that conversation" with their child? Or any conversation for that matter?! And so, the question comes to mind: what happens when, during the evening news, one of those dong medicine commercials comes on the tube?

Whenever one of those Viagra or Cialis or Levithra commercials appear on your capitalism-box, anxious parents become uncomfortable when confronted with having to talk to their children about sexuality. In 2004 they began to weigh in on whether "erectional-correctional" meds should be on constant replay during dinner time. In fact, many people have contacted their state and local governments, requesting they remove the ads that promise better, more fulfilling love lives. You should also know that Congress did attempt to censor the ads, not because they were found obscene (they barely toe the line and are safe because of freedom of speech), but because it was found that Viagra did not live up to its hype. And, thanks to Bob Dole, we know that Congress did this research first hand. And yet these ridiculous commercials persist. Because it is perfectly legal to promote the sexual exploits of men, while other long-term, committed, loving relationships remain illegal.

So, remember: at some time in your life, you may have to sit through a male enhancement drug commercial in the company of a young, impressionable child. It's not the end of the world. It's just an uncomfortable right of passage all parents have to live through, like when your child turns out straight. Not exactly how you'd planned things when you envisioned their big, gay wedding...

Save the Whales: Collect Them All!

2009-12-17T02:24:00.006Z

Ah, to be a part of a culture whose beliefs the government accepts and supports. I know not everyone is going to appreciate our ways, with our love, devotion, and decorating talents. But, I mean, at least we are not slaughtering endangered species and threatening the delicate biodiversity of our world. Surely THAT would be frowned upon.

Hmm, just checked in with the rare and spectacular whales of the North Pacific. Through all the clicking and moaning, I was able to gather that nope, that's not the case at all. Since 1931, the U.S. has partially exempted itself from the International Convention for the Regulation of Whaling. Specifically, this treaty placed a moratorium on all whaling, sighting the endangerment and near extinction of virtually all whalies. Yet two states permit a handful of Americans to motor right through this law. Because of the historic traditions of ten North Pacific American Indian tribes, the United States government turns a bling eye as they hunt the endangered creatures. Now, if only these tribes still used traditional hunting methods, rather than tearing through whales with sophisticated and highly mechanized modern artillery . . .

The tradition of whale hunting gives this small sector of the American community stability, identity, and dignity. These are clearly inalienable rights that the governments of Alaska and Washington can't seem to deny their Native American tribes. Too bad those same states won't extend inalienable rights to their gay citizens.

Space Garbage: The Final Frontier

2009-12-14T19:27:00.007Z

Clearly, Americans love to ruin things for others. That's why they repeatedly vote to deny gays the right to marry. This is nothing new. For decades, the human race has been unsatisfied with just ruining our own planet - we're bigger than that. Now, we pollute space.

F Your I: There are no federal restrictions on dumping garbage into outer space. You might be saying to yourself, "Yeah, that's because they don't need to restrict something that doesn't happen!" Well, Self, you're wrong, again. Since the first manned space flight in 1961, humans have been leaving behind incredible amounts of space-waste. Approximately 4 million pounds of garbage is currently zooming around the globe at an astonishing 17,500 miles per hour. Most of the slag is debris kicked off from dozens of shuttle launches, or the carcasses of forgotten satellites. Also, there are literally thousands of sacks of trash in space, bagged and booted out the door of Mir, like some bad, futuristic Glad commercial.

Isn't space travel difficult enough? Why should shuttle pilots have to navigate a mine-field of satellite parts once they reach the final frontier? I mean, it's not exactly the Route 270 spur at rush hour up there, but Neil Armstrong didn't journey 200,000 miles to parallel park!

And don't start in on me by saying that space travel is the gayest kind of travel. If gays ever get launched into the atmosphere for an interstellar nuptial, you can bet we will bring our garbage back down to Earth.

School Cafeterias: America's Dumping Grounds

2009-12-10T00:26:00.009Z

If there's one thing the gays know all about, it's how to identify a fine piece of meat. And when it comes to steak, gays wont settle for anything less than a premium cut of Beefcake. That's more than the United States government can say, apparently.

As you may know, the United States Department of Agriculture has established astonishingly low standards for our nation's public school cafeterias. Specifically, when it comes to meat and poultry (who needs protein anyway?). Annually, the National School Lunches Program purchases millions of pounds of spent-poultry, a category of chicken that usually falls under the "utility" qualification on USDA's gradient system. Not sure where "utility meat" fits in? Don't worry, it's at the absolute bottom. Might as well be grade-F rat meat.

In the past, egg farmers would dispose of their laying hens by throwing them straight out or selling them to pet food makers. Somehow, the government thought these low-quality products would be better suited to feed America's youth. Waste not, want not? Never mind the fact that spent-poultry is bred and grown in dark warehouses, stacked floor to ceiling in minute cages, ensuring that they are four times more likely to carry salmonella. Why is this legal, again? Oh, that's right, because it's super cheap.

So, as the American gay community has proven to be a much more discerning group than the USDA, shouldn't we at least be able to pick and marry our own spouses? Best. Argument. Ever.

Before Gay Marriage: A 'Pimp My Ride' Edition

2009-12-08T00:50:00.009Z

So, the government has decided not to legally recognize your committed relationship. Naturally, by denying you this civil right they have successfully assimilated you into their hetero-normative society: magically, you are straight. Now it's time to look the part. Nothing screams "hard-core macho man" like a tricked out automobile.

What could be cooler than completely restricting your visibility in a decidedly vision-necessary situation? While many states regulate the amount of tint with which a car owner can operate, others have chosen to leave that all-important decision up to the consumer. Drivers in Arizona can cover their windows in construction paper for all the government cares-- that's front windshield included. In South Carolina and South Dakota, go ahead and paint the inside of your car, the tint laws are that lenient. Add some industry strength sub-woofers to have the complete Helen Keller driving experience.

What about those long moments between gear shifts? They certainly gnaw away at the soul . . . which is why having a television monitor in your dashboard comes in handy. Some states, like Illinois, have become aware of the fact that drivers are now watching back-to-back episodes of Law and Order from behind the steering wheel, while other legislators seem to be stuck in traffic. Incredibly, very few states regulate whether you can watch TV from the front seat.

Automobile accidents are among the leading causes of death in the United States, but the government seems more worried about who you marry than your driving safety. Remember that the next time you are feeling for the remote under your gas pedal, because your tinted windows have made it too dark to see, Macho Man.

Pill Mills Be Popping!

2009-12-06T01:43:00.008Z

In what way is gay marriage connected to the rise of prescription drug-related deaths? Turns out they're not connected at all. Huzzah! Except that the motivations and liberties of drug addicts are better protected than those of gay citizens.

While most of the nation is busy regulating who loves who and to what end, twelve states have neglected to monitor their distribution of prescription drugs. Their lack of regulation has resulted in vast hot beds of narcotic activity across the country. "Pill Mills" are popping up all over America, and they are rarely owned or operated by actual physicians or pharmacists. Interested? All you have to do is: Step 1. Find an abandoned phone booth, shack or other sketchy front. Step 2. Obtain a pain clinic license (don't worry, no medical experience is needed and no background checks are required). Step 3. Start selling insane amounts of oxycodone to your "patients," who have no official malady. Step 4. Open a Swiss bank account for the cash money you will be raking in. Just F Your I, that's hundreds of thousands of dollars a week.

Florida happens to be the biggest distributor of oxycodone, prescribing (read: selling) far more than any other state. For those that aren't up on their narcotics lingo, oxycodone is a form of synthesized opium that is continuously linked to overdose-related deaths. Of the top 50 doctors who dispense the most oxycodone annually, 100% of them live in Florida. Unfortunately, due to the famously disorganized nature of the dispensing program, there's no way to tell how much is sold and to whom. If only there was a way to regulate this distribution. . . some kind of technological device that could create a written collection of doctors and patients, holding both sides accountable. Oh yeah, it's called a prescription-drug database and 38 states already have them.

Gay marriage might be illegal, but at least I can ease the pain with dangerously high levels of mind-altering drugs.

That's Touching: Sexual Misconduct in Schools

2009-12-03T23:23:00.008Z

On a scale of One to Gay Marriage, how bad is allowing sex offenders back into the school system? I'd wager it's up there with allowing sex offenders back into the school system. When Americans send their children off to learn, we operate under the belief that students will be kept safe and treated fairly. Well, not the gay kids, they're still going to feel isolated because of state laws that make them second-class citizens, but all the other kids. So why do some states allow convicted sex offenders back into their public schools?

In California, land of Propositions 6 (1978) and 8(2008), over 300 teachers were suspended for sexual misconduct from 2001 to 2005. However, in California, Washington, Iowa, Illinois, et al, when teachers are accused of a sexual indiscretion -- even if they are subsequently found guilty and sent to prison -- they benefit from a law that protects them and punishes children. In these states there is a confidentiality clause that keeps the reasons behind suspensions hush-hush. Limited information about the suspension is available for only a year, then they are free to creep back into the system. Which means that predators can return to the classroom as easily as they can wait 365 days . . . or cross state lines.

Looks like state governments care more about protecting the rights of sex offenders than they do about the protecting the rights of committed gay couples. Or more than they care about children, for that matter.

D.U.I Don't Think So!

2009-12-02T00:25:00.005Z

Gay marriage is not just a danger to yourself, it's a danger to all the people around you. Wait, no, scratch that-- we're thinking of drunk driving. Is it hard to believe that every year hundreds of thousands of perpetrators go free, without even so much as loosing their license?

Just because you're pulled over for one measly D.U.I. doesn't mean you should have to go without your license. No, no, not here in the land of God, guns and gas-guzzlers. In nine states getting pulled over for driving under the influence, being arrested, and even awaiting trial for vehicular manslaughter, doesn't involve the drunk loosing their license. That means that these abusers are free to hit the streets again while they await prosecution. Statistics show that individuals can really rack up the arrests under this system. Why deprive red-blooded Americans of their right to get, say, three D.U.I.s in a week? Because that.just.happened.

Somewhere along the way someone said, "You know who needs a break? People who consciously put their lives and the lives of others in mortal peril." Sooo glad the privileges of drunk drivers are protected, while the rights of certain, gayer citizens are denied.

Youth Plastic Surgery: God Doesn't Always Give With Both Hands

2009-12-01T00:36:00.015Z

According to most Americans, the jury is still out on whether or not God made you gay. United States citizens know one thing for sure, though, and it's that God made Miss Pre-Teen Princess's nose too big, which is why He invented rhinoplasty. Cosmetic surgery for children, you say? There's gotta be some kind of regulation on that, right? I think you already know the answer . . .

Although youth pageants are terrifying enough, the lengths parents go to win those disproportionately large trophies are almost too much to handle. Everyone knows that a child's leg hair is an unnatural and inconvenient distraction. That's why all good pageant-moms shave their kid's bodies-- so the fake tan sprays on evenly! People used to think gap-toothed tykes were adorable. That was until they heard about miniature child dentures that cover those baby-toothless grins. Eye-lash and hair extensions are a good foundation, but what about massive structural overhaul? Liposuction, cosmetic facial augmentation; there is no official age requirement for these major elective operations. As long as Mom signs the paperwork, Junior is one chin implant away from being a winner.

So start applying your make-up. God may have made you gay, but at least He made you pretty.

Duty To Rescue: How To Find Out Who Your Real Friends Are

2009-11-29T20:21:00.012Z

So they've taken away your right to pursue happiness, but at least life and liberty are yours to keep . . . maybe. If you choke on a chicken bone or fall in an urban tiger pit, random onlookers can enjoy the show without the slightest bit of guilt while your life dwindles to nothing. Gays might be second class citizens but innocent bystanders are fully protected, for here in our glorious nation there is no duty to rescue.

Let's say your hair has erupted in flames after a tragic cigarette lighting incident. All your smoke-mate has to do to save you from a Michael Jackson-esque fate is to dump his Big Gulp over your head. Then again, he's his own man - and what have you ever done for him? Frankly, you can burn for all he and the United States government care. In Canada and many of our European counterparts, allowing someone to burn to death, be run over by a train, or drown in a 2 centimeter puddle of their own drool is at least a close relative to murder. Conversely, in the freedom-loving U.S. of A., we can watch our neighbors get mugged, raped or killed without even having to phone the authorities. Wouldn't want to interrupt tonight's episode of Two and a Half Men.

Allowing someone to die while your pick your nose is nowhere near as terrible as allowing gay marriage. Everyone knows the hierarchy of crimes: petty theft, molestation, manslaughter, homicide, consensual gay relationship. Remember that the next time you cross traffic.

Ice Bridge To Nowhere

2009-11-25T02:07:00.008Z

Has the government's ban on gay marriage left you out in the cold? Now that our nation's most northern state has banned same-sex unions, the onslaught of a Maine winter could leave you feeling alone and isolated. The only solution is to build a 1,000 mile ice bridge out from under that love-avalanche.

Although everyone loves a good ice bridge, they are only possible for a small, privileged population. Every year, passages are created by layering man-made ice over barely frozen bodies of water in order to transport enormous amounts of fuel and resources to sequestered factories via, get this, 12,000 pound semi-trucks. That's right, the government has not only condoned but subsidized loaded semis to traverse a thin crust of newly-formed ice, all in the name of commerce. Surely this practice must be safe and regulated, since the government is only looking out for our best interest. Oh wait, this practice has led to dozens of deaths and hundreds of injuries, even when the trucks travel at excruciatingly slow speeds so as to not create waves below the brittle ice supporting their enormous girth? Shit.

You know who's really good at successfully negotiating across ice? Brian Boitano. Maybe he would help you if you weren't so fussy about gay marriage.

Just Hangin' Out, Noodling With The Boys

2009-11-24T00:03:00.010Z

Noodling. Grabbling, graveling, hogging, dogging, gurgling, tickling, stumping ... catfisting? If you're wondering what these words have in common, it's not about last Saturday night. Apparently, all of these strange epithets refer to a very dangerous and barely legal fishing practice. You may not be able to marry the person of your choice, but the government had better not try to stop you from noodling a catfish.

Noodling is only legal in eleven states and is, for the most part, a subversive and guerilla practice. Allow us to explain further: a manly pack of shirtless, well-toned lads strip down to their jorts and submerge themselves in a shallow body of water (read: "crick"). Once the testosterone-heavy group is in the water, the alpha male finds the best "hidey-hole" in which to bury the better part of his arm. If he is lucky, his arm will be partially devoured by a catfish. Unlucky noodlers become a feast for beavers, alligators, snakes, or the worst kind of muskrat love. Once bitten, the noodler (lucky or not) triumphantly raises his trophy above his head like some kind of terrifying reverse-puppet for all the world to see: catfish, rodent, or bloody stub of an arm.

Although this is a highly dangerous, unsanitary and inhumane practice, pro-noodling states got it right: people should be able to stick their body down any dark hole and damn the consequences. This is America! So go out there and start punching through the gills of every unsuspecting catfish for the red, white and blue.

Strip Mining: The government says ‘Take your top off’

2009-11-21T23:49:00.015Z

With all the bans on gay marriage in the United States (45 in all, in addition to the federal prohibition) you might be saying to yourself, ‘Gosh, I’m going to be unmarried for a long, long time!’ And you’d be right, except for one thing: Soon, sooner than many of us would have ever dreamed possible, people are going to come together to achieve a common goal: making human life impossible by wrecking the environment.

As we careen toward our own doom, one of the major practices contributing to our destruction is strip mining. Prior to the industrial revolution, there was no reason to mine for coal, which is the principle product extracted in the mining process. But, thank goodness for freedom (or free enterprise, in this case) national laws quickly adapted to the spirit of the times. Despite the calls from some corners that strip mining was a public health hazard and a moral outrage, excavators were soon clearing as much as 12,000 cubic meters of useless untouched wilderness per hour.

Now, I bet you’re wondering the same thing I used to: ‘Is it really that bad? Aren’t many of these mining sites reclaimed after the allegedly essential coal has been ruthlessly extracted?’ The answer is, ‘Of course not, you big silly!’ While federal and state mandates exist that require areas damaged by mining to be ‘reclaimed’, this term has been steeped in bureaucracy, wrapped in a thick layer of local provisions, and deep-fried in the interests of big business. After a mountaintop has been efficiently flattened, it can be ‘reclaimed’ in ways that include the construction of an airport, storage facility, golf course, trailer park, landfill, or penitentiary, just as nature intended. Who would even consider the option of planting quick-growing, non-native grasses when you can have convicts occupy the site instead?

Perhaps you’re thinking, ‘Ok, this sounds almost as bad as gay marriage…but it’s not like people actually die because of strip mining, right?’ Well, ask the family of Jeremy Davidson. You certainly can’t ask him: in 2004 a boulder dislodged in a mining operation rolled hundreds of feet and crashed into the house where the three-year-old was sleeping, crushing him to death. As far as our research indicates, gay marriage never rolled down a mountain and crushed anyone. It also never buried thousands of miles of Appalachian stream, poisoned anyone’s drinking water, or flooded a whole town out of their houses.

Busking: When Freedom of Speech Asks You For Money

2009-11-19T02:41:00.011Z

What are buskers? You see them all the time on the metro playing their violin concertos or making life-size balloon animal replicas of the Statue of Liberty. Sometimes you wish you could grab your ukulele and join them, other times you wish they would take their one good tooth and sing in someone else's ear. I am referring, of course, to those shameless abusers: street performers.

Don't get it twisted, I love a good busk. I know plenty of buskers, in fact, some of my best friends are buskers, so you know I'm not prejudiced. I am not saying it's wrong, I'm just saying I don't want to see it. If these buskers want to practice their musical numbers or sword-swallowing, they could at least do it in the privacy of their own homes.

Never mind the fact that some of history's greatest figures got their start as buskers: Benjamin Franklin, Bob Hope, Robin Williams, Ani Fu*king DiFranco, Jesus Christ -- or is that the same person? These people have no sense of decency, parading around like they have the right. Oh wait, they do? Oh, it's a certain, inalienable right? Well, damn. Apparently, buskers are protected by freedom of speech. Free expression is a basic human right and buskers can do whatever they want, wherever they want. Forget marrying the person you love, at least you can mime in traffic, or sing karaoke on the bus. Try being suspended in an ice block for 48 hours above Time Square, or building an army of trash men. It doesn't hurt society the way gay marriage does.

Who wants to see a group of well-groomed dancers in MC Hammer pants scare the skinny-jeans off of L.A. hipsters, or witness the World Famous Bushman jump out from within a eucalyptus tree to startle San Francisco's population? And yet, day after day, captive audiences are forced to tolerate this perfectly legal, constitutionally protected practice. We should put a measure on the ballot to end this madness!

Looks like Bert is going to stay in business. Maybe someday we'll see the same level of flexibility and freedom granted to gay couples looking to practice their inalienable rights.

Private Prisons: For Fun and Profit

2009-11-17T19:41:00.015Z

Times are tough. We're in a recession, in case you haven't heard. Especially since the government won't let you file a joint tax return with your same-sex partner, money is shorter than ever. The solution is simple: start your own for-profit prison.

Little did you know that roughly 120,000 of our nation's 2.3 million inmates are housed in privately owned and operated penitentiaries. These facilities keep both federal and state criminals and are often contracted by the United States government when space and resources run low. Without saying that it's a cheap and easy way to confine criminals, let's just say... it is.

Federal prisons are so passe. What's the fun in having a government funded and organized correctional facility when private prisons have a much higher rate bankruptcy? Additionally, as guards have a history of striking in these back-yard prisons it's much easier to have an Azkaban-style mass breakout. Not to mention the fact that these private prisons are rarely subject to the same scrutiny or standards as federal enclosures. Never mind that a number of these insta-prisons seem to be cropping up in vacated factories and warehouses of communities suffering from the industrial crisis. Or that most of them are owned by businessmen, moonlighting as wardens.

It appears the standard of security is as big of a sham as the standard of equality.

Getting an Eye-Full: Strip Joints and Where to Find Them

2009-11-17T01:01:00.001Z

So, the government wants to keep you out of holy matrimony. As the old adage says "When in Rome, do as the Romans do." It's time to accept your life-sentance of singularity with a trip to the straight bachelor's traditional stomping ground: The Strip Club.

The last fifty years have seen a progressively more liberal take on what's legal and what isn't at these clubs, although certain lines have been drawn. The 1991 Supreme Court case Barnes v. Glen Theatre Inc. ruled that states have complete control over how much skin their exotic dancers can show. This ranges from fully nude, to topless, to a more conservative "no nipples" rule. Apparently, nipples are a state issue.

Meanwhile, some states don't care what you do in strip clubs, just where it gets done. For example, New York City and San Francisco have zoning laws that require half a mile in between your local skin palace and a residential district or elementary school. What may surround a strip clubs, you might ask? Again, it depends on the state, but bars, hotels and penitentiaries seem popular.

Some states really let it all hang out. In Florida, Rhode Island and Nevada the sky's the limit! Literally, there are no restrictions on anything that occurs within the walls of local strip clubs. The Ocean State doesn't have an age standard for dancers, allowing even underaged gals to parade in the nude.

Civil marriage for everyone might be off the docket, but your ability to get an eye-full is still protected.

Junior Marksmen: Annie Get Your Gun!

2009-11-15T22:01:00.002Z

One of the greatest things about America is choice. You can choose to do whatever or be whatever you want. If our founding fathers had continued on with the old system of bloodlines and nepotism, George Washington would have been nothing more than a private in the army, John Adams only a country lawyer. Neither had the noble lineage to rise to prominence that would have been required of them in England.

Therefore it is your prerogative, if you so choose, to outfit your child with his (or her) very own rifle. You might be saying to yourself, what ten year old could possibly need a firearm? And you are absolutely right... Don't be silly, it's huntin' season! Between now and the first of the year there is plenty of time to bag as many deer, boars, turkeys, and cotton tail rabbits as a child's arms can carry. If you are wondering how a ten year old could have the strength to shoulder a 15 pound musket or blunderbuss, have no fear, Rogue Rifle Co. is a step ahead of you. They have a custom line of specially designed Junior Rifles. Twenty-two inches long and weighing only two and a half pounds, these high-powered weapons have charming names like the Davey Crickett or the Chipmunk. Colorful specimens, they are fun and youthful. Although most states require the young sharp-shooter be ten to twelve years of age, these rifles will fit your six year old perfectly. That is, at least, according to their marketing.

While many states require permits for Junior Hunters and Trappers, Maine, South Dakota, Oklahoma and Wisconsin send shooters as young as ten years old into the wilderness without the hindrance of a Hunters Education Program. The only restriction? No bear hunting. Wild turkeys? You can start on those at age nine. Local bobcat population getting a little high? No age requirement for those varmints!

So Annie, get your gun. Our equal rights might not be protected, but the sale and manufacture of youth firearms is totally legal.

Cage Fighting: Never Go to Bleed Angry

2009-11-14T05:01:00.002Z

Now I’d like to discuss a tradition that’s as old as time itself, one that has helped bring order to our society and given its participants the stability vital to the nuclear family. This practice has been the same for generations, and changing it now could endanger not just our values, but our way of life. I’m referring, of course, to cage fighting.

What more fundamental right to do two people of the same sex have than to be sealed into a padded enclosure so that one can beat the other unconscious? Oh sure, no system is perfect, and people are going to get hurt or even killed, but there’s no denying the precedent. This is how people have been legally allowed to injure each other for thousands of years in every culture on Earth! And even if there wasn’t this longstanding tradition of smashing another person’s face in, it’s not for us to judge when consenting adults engage in behavior, even if that behavior includes obscene public violence in front of impressionable youngsters.

Now, I hear what you’re asking. “Isn’t this terribly dangerous, not just for the two people involved, but for their families who get saddled with caring for the injured and the rest of us, helpless spectators of a grotesque blood sport?” The answer is easy: This is what nature intended! To have us resolve our differences, real or imagined, through codified aggression in front of thousands of fans.

Of course, there have to be limits! I’m personally very uncomfortable with the laws in Missouri and Massachusetts that permit kids as young as six to engage in no-holds-barred, child-to-child combat. This doesn’t sit well with me, but I have to respect the fact that child cage-fighting law is primarily a states-rights issue. But I think we can all agree on some restrictions: it just doesn’t seem right to let a man fight a woman, or to let a woman fight a dog! That’s just unnatural, and it hurts more than the two participants; it hurts society.

Of course, this looks like it hurts quite a bit too:

Cage Fighting: Results in thousands of injuries a year, linked to numerous deaths, and legal before gay marriage.

Rodent and Insect Filth in Food:

2009-11-13T02:26:00.002Z

That's right: Gay marriage may not be legal, but contaminated food sure is!

Once you've made the big decision to get hitched (in a heterosexual marriage, of course!) you'll face one of the most important elements of committing yourself for life to another person: the reception menu!

As Americans, we can rest easy knowing that the government is there to shields us, the citizens and consumers, from potential contamination in our food. Under the protection of the Federal Food and Drug Administration, we can be confident that these laws are enforced with our health and wellness in mind!

Should you have the desire to serve asparagus at your federally-recognised marriage, feel free to tell your guests that the spears certainly aren't more than 10% infested with asparagus beetle eggs or egg sacks. In deciding between chicken or fish, keep in mind that the FDA permits a mere 60 parasitic cysts per every hundred freshwater blue fin herring!

Does your wedding dessert happen to include blackberries? Enjoy the taste of no more than 10 whole insect bodies per every 500-gram-sized serving. And if the garnish includes delicious ground cinnamon, it will contain the bonus of 400 insect fragments in every 50 grams, or an average of 11 rodent hairs in that same amount! Yummy!

Insect filth, parasitic cysts, rodent hair, and beetle eggs in your food! All of it legal before gay marriage. Bon Appetite!

Chimp Ownership: Can't get gay-married? Purchase a Chimp Instead!

2009-11-12T20:10:00.001Z

Did your plans to marry in the state of Maine fall through last week when voters decided to make gay marriage illegal? Fear not, my friends, for your salvation lays in something just as fulfilling: Chimp ownership. It is perfectly legal and promises the life-long love and companionship you have been denied.

If you aren't sure how to go about acquiring a chimp, there are a few regulations and petitions you should know about. While you may have to apply for a permit to own a pet monkey in the states of Delaware, Idaho, Michigan, Oklahoma, South Dakota and Oregon, thirteen other states have no requirements whatsoever! Just march into your local Pet Monkey's-R-Us and you've got it made.

I don't want to misinform you; there are some places where chimp ownership is illegal. Seventeen states have outright bans on those sweet little primate companions, which is almost as upsetting as the outright bans on gay marriage in 45 states.

Now you're saying to yourself, "Wow! Chimp ownership sounds like it's for me!" That's great. Think of all of fun times you and your pet monkey have in store. Think of the laughter, the cuddling, the matching. Monkey's also make great children, which would work out perfectly for gay couples who are banned from adopting in many states. Just don't get too close to your monkey-baby.