What Do Marlboro Man And Don Draper Have In Common? Death.

Despite the much anticipated return of smoke-fiends Don Draper, Joan Harris, et al., we can all agree that lighting up in this modern era is simply gross. And for once it appears the government is squarely on our side, as evidenced by its 1999 lawsuit against the tobacco industry. But wait, what’s that? Despite the proven health risks we continue to subsidize tobacco farmers? What sort of two-faced BS is this?!

The United States government has poured a little extra dough to tobacco farmers ever since the Great Depression. People were totally broke and so the government was subsidizing many of the products deemed "necessary." Black Tuesday, the dust bowl, and the deepest depression of the 20th Century - it's enough to make anyone turn to vices. But it's been 80+ years. We know better, right?

Nope. Just last year over $200 million went from our treasury to tobacco farmers’ coffers. And don’t even get us started on the $96 billion a year smoking drains the United States in direct health care costs, and an additional $97 billion a year in lost productivity. Glad you care about a healthy and productive workforce, America.

We at B4GM couldn't be more pissed our tax dollars are being funneled into the supply chain of an expensive, filthy, and destructive habit. If only Uncle Sam could put down the death stick and spare a moment of his legislative time to let us get married.

Calorie Nation: How To Induce a Heart Attack

Our great nation was built on freedom and independence. We as citizens have the privilege (and responsibility) of controlling our own lives and choices. Which means that we always have to come up with new and innovative ways to end those lives. Today we're not talking about guns, cigarettes, or semi-legal drugs. We are talking about fat -- lots and lots of fat.

Naturally, the government does not regulate the amount of calories Americans are allowed to consume (that would be as ridiculous as regulating who we're allowed to marry!), but the Food and Drug Administration does post a suggested caloric intake. For men, the FDA advises an average consumption of 2,500 calories, while women should be able to get by with 2,000. Surprisingly, certain restaurants have flown in the face of these recommended standards! Imagine consuming 75% of your daily caloric quota in one, heart-attack-inducing sitting. Now that artery-clogging dream can come true with the help of your friends at IHOP, Burger King, KFC, and Sonic, among others.

Our senses have already been assaulted with the KFC "Double-Down." Consisting of four pieces of bacon, two slices of swiss-cheese slathered in special sauce and flanked by two breasts of world famous fried chicken, the Double Down clocks in at 540 calories. Although the Double Down has been getting a lot of negative press, the Burger King Quad Stacker (bun, burger paddy, bacon, chee, paddy, bacon, chee, paddy, bacon, chee, paddy, bacon, chee, bun) accounts for half a day's caloric intake: 1,000 calories! Sonic is responsible for the Pancake on a Stick, one of which can put you back 400 calories, but the prize, the ultimate chest-clutcher belongs to IHOP. The International House of Pancakes has presented the Pancake-Cheesecake Sandwich, aka the "Pancake Stacker." Imagine a stack of fluffy flap-jacks, each one separated by a dense layer of cheesecake. This shocking amount of carbohydrates easily accounts for half of ones daily intake: 1,250 calories.

How can this possibly seem like a good idea? And why do "restaurants" like KFC and IHOP take such pride in out-doing each other with their wax-paper-wrapped heart attacks? Sure, it's your right to kill yourself one Pancake-Cheesecake Sandwich at a time, but maybe you wouldn't self medicate with food if you could marry the person of your choice.